Tag Archives: Coach

Is Your Fear Real?

Years and years ago at the height of my extreme introvert self – yes I am a recovering extreme introvert and I still need plenty of me time – I interviewed for and actually worked as a sales rep for Xerox. The job involved lots of cold calling and high pressure sales which I now know was a job that in no way suited who I was then or ever would be. However, I learned a tremendous amount, particularly about listening skills which has served me quite well. More often than I would like to admit, I would sit outside a potential customer’s office in my car, terrified with such fright that I was unable to go in. Remember, in those days there were few computers, no laptops, no internet and no cell phones. I was so ashamed by this and so fearful that there was something drastically wrong with me, that I was unable to ask for help on what to do about my fear.

My fear was merely a smokescreen, although I did not understand this at the time. The worst that could have happened were all things I could have handled: someone may have been rude, the potential customer merely said no or I may have been propositioned (remember this was a long time ago and that did happen to me.). I didn’t have the tools or know how to deal with my fear. No longer am I at the mercy of my own fear. Because I so acutely understand how fear can stop me (and others) from taking action and pursuing what we most want, I can support others in dealing with their own fear.

Has fear ever stopped you or gotten in the way of accomplishing something or creating what you most want in your life? If your fear keeps you stuck, I want to support you in making friends with your fear. I want to empower you to turn your fear into an ally instead of an enemy.

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MA MBA LMHC
I empower people to discover their gifts, talents and self worth.

Free to Be

Maybe you know someone like “Larry” or maybe you are a lot like “Larry.” Larry has never been able to please his Father. He went into the family business and married a woman that pleased his parents. He went to college and selected a major not based on his interests but based on what would be a good fit with the family business and please others. He has done well in his life but he has never been happy. For some people this would be a great scenario and they would be very happy. For someone like Larry whose interests and dreams are not in alignment with others expectation of him, happiness eludes him. He can never be happy living a life out of alignment with who he is.

Many of us are a little like Larry. We make decisions in our life not because it is what we really want to do but because it is what others expect of us. We have not learned to be comfortable in our skin – we rely on others opinions and we rarely trust out gut – we have trouble making decisions, sometimes even on daily simple things like where do I want to eat, because we have so little faith in ourselves. When does it become okay to listen to our own hearts, our own inner voices and use our own talents and gifts in a way that best fits us and best fits the world?

When you are in touch with and use your gifts, talents and passions, you become fully alive and fully you. Amazingly, fully being you frees up a tremendous amount of energy and gives you a much better opportunity to be both happy and successful in all areas of your life. As a coach, I empower clients to get in touch with their own gifts and talents and passions so they can most fully be themselves at work and play and in their relationships. Being ok with who you are – all of you is the basis of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. I believe we were not created to be anything different than we are. I believe that we each have the potential for greatness inside us that can best be accessed by fully being ourselves.

I want to empower you to be the best you can be, by being yourself.

Amy Barnes, MA MBA LMHC

Stop Fighting Fires

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Do You Want to Play Big or Small?

by Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC
Until recently I didn’t realize that I had a choice. Then I realized how small I had been playing. I could make lots of excuses about why I was playing small, not working up to my full potential or using all my gifts and talents in most areas of my life. The unpleasant truth was that I had chosen to show up being less than I could be.

I could make lots of excuses. I could blame my childhood or the fact that I felt it would take too much of time and energy or that I would have to be different than who I am or others wouldn’t like me or I just didn’t believe in myself.

I think the truth was closer to I have been doing the same thing for a long time and had fallen into a rut. Not necessarily an unpleasant rut. I like my coworkers. I thoroughly enjoy working with the vast majority of my clients.

I’ve been doing this for almost 15 years and it’s time I gave myself a promotion. As a body centered coach and therapist I’ve learned more tricks, more tools more ways of working with people to get them from where they are to where they want to be much more quickly and easier. I need to appreciate my own growth and new skills. I need to listen to myself and trust my gut to know it’s time to do things differently. It’s time for me to spend more time in my own Zone of Genius.

Just as I support and empower my clients to be the best they can be I also need to do that for myself. So in the coming months you’ll see changes in my website and changes in how I go about doing business so I can reach more people in a way that is best for both myself and my clients.

I encourage you to play big, not stay small and I’ll do the same for me. In the meantime contact me if you feel I can support you in going from where you are now to where you want to be in all areas of life – both work and play.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Until next time,

Amy

Happiness, Sex and Obesity

Now yet another study has come out confirming the connection between our physical bodies and how we feel about ourselves. As a relationship counselor and coach I feel quite vested in improving the quality of life of my clients. I see the mind, body and spirit all as quite interconnected. If we don’t take care of our bodies it affects not only the quality of our lives physically but also how we feel about ourselves, emotionally.

The lack of desire for sex by one partner is often seen as a problem in a relationship. Although the causes for the lack of sex can be many, obesity is certainly one of the problems.

Indiana ranks 17th as one of the most obese states in the US. Obesity is described as having a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 30 or greater. Morbidly obese is described as being 100 or more pounds overweight. The National Institute of health estimates that more than 300,000 lives could be saved in the United States each year if everyone stayed at a healthy weight!

When working with clients as a therapist and coach I am most concerned with having my clients be healthy and feel good. I want to support my clients in feeling good in all areas of their lives.

According to the May/June 2011 issues of the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, there is now one more reason for people to take care of themselves. Obese people have a less satisfying sex life and a lower quality of life. Ostbye, director of the research study at Duke stated, “Our findings contribute to a growing body of research that indicates obesity is associated with reduced sexual functioning and sexual quality of life among both men and women.” The study added that both the decreased quality of life and decreased quality of sexual function are even greater for women than for men.
Dealing with obesity is not just about the weight but is layered with a lifetime of emotional issues that are difficult to deal with. Eating and body image are emotional issues.

I want to support you in loving yourself and loving your life. I want to empower you to transform your pain into joy so you can step into your full power and creativity.

Call me. I will listen.

Until next time,
Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in empowering individuals in transforming their pain into joy so they may step into their full power and creativity.

Is Your Relationship a Partnership?

By Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.

Recently I had the pleasure of relationship counseling with two strong professionals, both competent in their fields and married to each other. A relationship between two strong and some may say headstrong individuals has a unique set of challenges but one that I love to see and love working with.

At its worst a relationship like this could be like two alpha dogs both fighting for control. At its best the relationship is a true collaborative effort that has the power to move mountains. This is where synergy takes effect and the sum of the whole becomes much greater than its parts.

What a gift to be in a relationship where you are able to see your partner truly as an equal, to value his or her opinions as much as you do your own. Each partner is willing to take 100% responsibility for making the relationship work. We dealt with the hard work of sadness, anger and disappointments. In our time together the room was also often filled with laughter and appreciations.

We worked on some fine tuning: strengthening the partnership, allowing space for each individual to truly express his or her feelings and ask for what each most wants. We worked on listening to their bodies and to state what they were feeling instead of taking their feelings out on each other.

I appreciate their openness their willingness to play and their desire to create and even stronger bond. They felt good as they know each know that their marriage can continue to grow stronger and even more fulfilling over time.

As a relationship counselor and coach I love making marriages better. Call me if you feel your relationship could benefit from counseling.

Until Next Time,

Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Is Being Connected Ruining Your Relationships?

by Amy Barnes MBA MA LMHC

Would your relationships benefit from a tech diet? How can you be fully present when your attention is really on the screen and not the person in front of you? What’s worse is as a whole, is our society spending significantly more time in front of some sort of an electronic screen than we are in real live face to face contact?

I love my technology. I love Skype for talking to my daughters now in Japan and Morocco and Face Time for talking with my son. I use my laptop for learning French and of course there’s email and Facebook. I’m writing this on my office computer. I also love Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Chocolate Garcia ice cream. Yet just as I could not live on a diet of only ice cream I cannot live in a world where my only social interaction is over the internet. I also love long dinners with friends and face to face conversation and laughter with no screens present.

As a marriage and family therapist and coach, I now hear terms I never heard of five or ten years ago in counseling sessions. Clients read me text messages from their significant or ex-significant other during sessions. Clients complain that they cannot ever turn off their Blackberry’s as they must be available 24/7. Who even used the term 24/7 ten years ago? Spouses learn about affairs and other issues of contempt from cell phone call records and texts. Being unfriended on Facebook is often the final straw in the dissolution of a friendship or relationship.

Elizabeth Bernstein recently wrote and an article in the Wall Street Journal entitled, “Your BlackBerry or Your Wife.” She shares stories of families who sit at the dinner table all looking at their own screen on their iPhones, iPads, laptops, DVD’s and Blackberries. Family members give lots of connection and attention to the device but a serious lack of connection to other family members. She advocates going on a “tech cleanse” Turning off everything with screens for a week. She even notes that in an Italian study couples who have a TV in the bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not. Susan Gilchrest O’Neil, a family therapist in New York states, “Technology should be on the list of the top reasons why people divorce, along with money sex, and parenting.

Yes technology is amazing and I love it. Yet let’s not technology replace real face time? Can your Blackberry give you a hug or cuddle with you on a cold night? When is the last time you spent an hour with a friend or family member without a screen. Try your own tech cleanse. I advocate at least a screen free hour or two a night. Try unplugging for a whole day every weekend. What if you controlled all those electronic devices instead of letting them control your life?

Until next time,

Amy Barnes MMA MA LMHC
Amy is a relationship counselor and coach with over 15 years experience, specializing in supporting individuals and couples in transforming pain into joy.

Transformation and Change

Transformation and change, its what I do for a living.

The opening of the 100 acre  IMA Sculpture Park was the result of individuals with a vision.  I celebrate those visionaries who could see change and a different way of doing art.  Years ago I walked my dog along the old limestone pit now filled with water with barely a walkable path around the lake,  Yesterday I walked along those paths now cleared and embellished, filled with happy adults and children, friends and families, talking and playing despite the oppressive hot and humid day.  What a difference.  Transformation can be marvelous and wonderful and positive.

My friend Kurt Refsnider, a geologist and glacier expert, who lives in Boulder and researches glacier and other deposits in the article circle has noted some not so positive changes.  The sea masses where polar bears live, used to remain frozen for all but about three months per year allowing the polar bears to gather food at sea.  Now the sea masses melt about a month and a half earlier and refreeze about a month and a half or more later.  Polar bears are now on land for about six months with no food sources.  If you need a better example, think of the negative change that has occurred with oil in the gulf. 

 Transformation or change can be either positive or negative.  People have the ability to cause both positive and negative changes to the environment, to others and to themselves. 

 As a Coach and a Change Agent I am most interested in what creates positive change. 

How can I use this ability to create change in a way that inspires individuals, couples, and corporations?  What if I could actually use my gifts as a catalyst, a change agent and a visionary to inspire and motivate others on a much larger scale?  To make the world a better place for all. 

So that’s what I want on my tombstone.  The world is a much better place for her having been here. 

 Until next time,

 Amy Barnes, Life Coach and Change Agent

Time for Me!

My office door is closed.  No clients for an hour and my phone is turned off.  I even shut down my email.  I’m siting on a wonderful comfy purple couch with my feet up typing on my new 13 inch MacBook Pro.  Feels like a guilty pleasure.  No calories – I’m leading a workshop on Women Food and God so I have become much more conscious of what I am putting into my mouth.  Taking time for me is beginning to feel less and less like a guilty pleasure as I realize how much I need it.

A guilty pleasure.  Taking time for me.  Putting myself first for one hour per day.  Doing something that totally pleases me and doesn’t require me to be accountable to anyone else.  I love to write.  I have always wanted to write a book but have put it off as being self indulgent.  Writing has felt like taking that much time just for me. In the past, I put myself last.  This left little time to take care of me.   There was work to be done, clients to see, laundry and paperwork.  It has been so easy to let the duties and responsibilities of daily living take over my time.

With clients, I find so often that to suggest they take time to play for a least a few minutes each day or take even a four hour break free from work at least once a week is met with both a look of astonishment and a definite no.

I know better,  research has shown we all function better with rest and play breaks.  We come up with our best ideas during or after a break in our work and responsibilities.  Burn out is high among all jobs and professions:  Budget cuts, people expected to do more with less, sales quotas set higher.  Most of us feel some sort of pressure to do more.

I am encouraging you to play more.  What good does it do to have millions of dollars if you are miserable.  How can you enjoy your family if you are always working or maintaining your home?  Take time to talk with and enjoy the company of family and friends.

As I write this I am also thinking of the three day weekend coming up.  My first thought goes to this is what I need to accomplish.  I’m driven by work and getting things done.  Balance is so important.  To balance both work and play is key.  So I shift my thoughts.  What can I do to play, to totally enjoy myself this weekend?

My writing feels restful peaceful.  A time just for me.  I’ve learned to make my writing either a first thing in the morning or as soon as I have a chunk of time without meetings.  Sometime I blog,  sometimes I vent and let off steam and sometimes I dream.   I’ve learned that taking time for me allows me to be more present more available the rest of the day.  I feel more grounded and alive.  I even like myself better.

For many of you writing would prove much more stressful than helpful.  I encourage you to think of what you could do each day to feel more present, clearer and more alive.

After all this is your life.  It’s up to you how you choose to spend it.   It’s also up to you how you choose to feel.

Until next time,

Amy Barnes, Life and Relationship Coach


What Do You Really Want to Do???

Angela (not her real name) says she wants to be an advertising executive. She felt this was what she should be doing, but always said so with a little but not much enthusiasm. I tell her that she talks about this in a manner so flat and so lifeless that no one would hire her. She nods knowing this is true, even though I know she does not like to hear the truth spoken out loud.

When Angela talked about doing art work with children and her voice became energized. She feels authentic. Her voice, her body language and her words all match from a place deep inside her. Her eyes sparkled and her body became animated. When I pointed this out to Angela, her shoulder caved in. I can’t. I’m not trained. I wouldn’t know what to do.

The next story she tells me is of doing art projects with three young kids. Again she is beaming. Again she tells me she wants to be an advertising executive  and that she can’t work with kids.

Sometimes our bodies tell us clearly what we want to do. Sometimes we know exactly what we want to do but we deny it to ourselves. Sometimes we have old beliefs that what we want is not acceptable. Sometimes we try to please others but doing what we think they see as the best past for us.

 In Angela’s world she went to school to be in advertising. She feels that is what she must do. She feels tied for life to being something and is afraid to see that this no longer fits her.

 Are you tied to a career or lifestyle that no longer fits you but is based on old beliefs or other people’s expectations of you???

What is it you most want? What makes your eyes sparkle and puts a smile on your face? Are you willing to trust yourself and just do it?

 Until next time,

Amy Barnes, MBA, LMHC and Life Coach